Roland’s Thanksgiving 2011 House Rules

By Roland S. Martin

Anyone who knows me understands that I always enjoy spending time with my mom, dad, three sisters, brother, nine nieces and four nephews.

So in accordance with our desire to always have fun, I routinely come up with my own house rules to keep my radio listeners and Facebook and Twitter followers in stitches. (Check out #RolandsRules to find the reaction on Twitter.)

Now, some of these rules can be taken with a grain of salt, and some of them are designed to be outlandish, funny and over the top. But if they hit close to home, feel free to apply them in your household this Thanksgiving.

Enjoy the family and food!

1. If you change the channel on my TV, I will crack out the yellow police crime tape on you. Turn from the game and see what happens!

2. You don’t want to eat on paper plates? Feel free to do the dishes. I don’t care for momma’s “special plates,” which we use only twice a year. I’m not washing even a spoon!

3. I’ll have a TSA agent stationed at the door checking to see who’s packing food. If you’re taking food home without permission, you’re going to Guantanamo!

4. Ah, baby, you don’t like sweet potato pie? You want pumpkin pie? That oven works. Feel free to bake it your damn self!

5. If you bring up First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move anti-obesity campaign today, you’ll be treated as an enemy combatant.

6. We didn’t fix Thanksgiving dinner for friends. Just family. Take them to Denny’s or IHOP. If I don’t know ’em, they can’t eat here!

7. When we watch a family movie on Thanksgiving night, shut up! I hate talking in the movie theater and in my living room!

8. If that prayer doesn’t come with a Bible verse and three points, it ain’t a sermon.

Hurry up so we can eat!

9. If your child starts yelling and acting a fool and your new-age parenting momma and poppa don’t move on it quick, your bad-butt kid’ll have to face me. And I’m a firm believer in “spare the rod and spoil the child.”

10. The only things smokin’ at my house are the pots on the stove. Light up a cigarette, and I’ll light you up. I hate nicotine!

11. Li’l Wayne and any other obscene rappers are not invited to my house for Thanksgiving. Play their music and you’ll be needing a dentist.

12. If you can’t cook, then seriously, just buy the ice. I’ve had food poisoning twice. I don’t need you messing up my holiday weekend.

14. Vegetarians get no vote on Thanksgiving dinner. Only carnivores are menu-voting members in my house!

15. When I say buy Kool-Aid, I mean real Kool-Aid. If there isn’t a smiling pitcher on the package, I will not be smiling!

16. I hate the Dallas Cowboys. Anyone cheering for them on Thanksgiving will be water-boarded!

17. If you just break into song, like Herman Cain, expect me to go Samuel L. Jackson, “Shaft”-style, on you! No bad singing!

18. If you show up with anything Christmas-related, you will be denied entry. We don’t discuss Christmas until after 11:59 p.m. on Thanksgiving!

19. During family dancing, the Wobble, the Cha-Cha and the Electric Slide are fine. Any pole dancing moves will be dealt with … harshly!

20. This is a Texas A&M Aggies family. If you flash hook-’em horns at any point today, you’re going to need a two-finger transplant!

Roland S. Martin is an award-winning CNN analyst and author of the book “The First: President Barack Obama’s Road to the White House as Originally Reported by Roland S. Martin.” Please visit his website at To find out more about Roland S. Martin and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at