Roland’s Thanksgiving Rules 2012 Edition

It’s Thanksgiving, so what time is it?!!!!!!!!!! Yep. Time for #rolandsrules!

Disclaimer: the people and situations I am making light of aren’t directed at anyone, any group, any nationality, in particular. Got it? If you can’t take a joke, ain’t my problem. #rolandsrules are meant to be humorous and satirical.

We are not moving dinner time because your plane was late. Stop being cheap and fly into town on Wednesday! #rolandsrules

When it’s time to pray, just pray. Quickly. This is not a testimony service. Save that for your own house! #rolandsrules

When the @HoustonTexans come on the beat the Lions, shut up! If you’re from Detroit, ya better turn into a mime. #rolandsrules

No new boyfriends or girlfriends can come to dinner. First timers not welcome. We didn’t have time to run background checks! #rolandsrules

If you’re a vegetarian, keep it to yourself. We are a family of Christians but we will cuss you out complaining about meat #rolandsrules

If you’re a smoker, take that last puff at midnight. If I even smell tobacco on you, you gotta eat outside! #rolandsrules

If you voted for @MittRomney, and you start whining about Obama gifts, I’m calling 9-1-1. You gonna need some bandages! #rolandsrules

Momma, I told you last year we ain’t using your “special” dishes. We’re not washing all of that stuff by hand! #rolandsrules

This ain’t Cooley High. You pour out some of my brown liquor “for the bruhs who ain’t here,” I’ll smack you into next week! #rolandsrules

If you have an aversion to the stove, you are on watch-kids-play-outside duty. Thanksgiving is NO time for neophytes! #rolandsrules

TO ALL BABY DADDIES: do NOT bring Christmas gifts tomorrow. Thanksgiving is no a twofer. Come see your kids on Christmas! #rolandsrules

Anyone relatives recently in jail will be subject to a pat down. Don’t start none won’t be none! #rolandsrules

ANY discussion about Real Housewives, Basketball Wives, Love & Hip Hop or any other trifling reality show, get to steppin’! #rolandsrules

If you’re a Dallas Cowboys fan, I advise you to put your jersey on after dinner. Or bring your own food! #rolandsrules #hatecowboys

Folks, that’s it for the 2012 Thanksgiving #rolandsrules. Have a fantastic day with the family! And feel free to smack a bad kid! I’m out!