Roland’s Super Bowl Rules 2013

Has your Super Bowl party started yet? Have you arrived at the Super Bowl party you’re attending? If so, you know what time it is!

Yes, I am working on a humor book of #RolandsRules. But that won’t stop me from dropping a few gems for today’s BMore-Frisco matchup!

Do I need to do like I did for Thanksgiving: drop a disclaimer so folks know the intent of #RolandsRules is to be funny and irreverent?

You will not be allowed to bust out doing the @RayLewis dance at the party. I’m not having dirt and grass on my carpet! #RolandsRules

I love me some @ScandalABC. But unless #OliviaPope @kerrywashington walks through that door, we are only talking football! #RolandsRules

Do not invite all of us over to watch the Super Bowl on your iMac. That is not a TV! #RolandsRules

If you have to change your baby’s diaper, do not do it near the guacamole and chips. We don’t want a serious mix-up #RolandsRules

I know it’s 20 degrees & snowing in DC. But I’m still going to fire up the pit for the Super Bowl party. So shut it! #RolandsRules

If you began the prayer before we eat by saying, “Open your Bibles to…” I’m cussing you out. Make this quick! #RolandsRules

When Beyonce comes on stage at halftime and you change into your “Freakum Dress,” security will usher you out the door #RolandsRules

If you crack out the Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or Shakeology at the Super Bowl party, call 9-1-1. You will need attention! #RolandsRules

Don’t dare say you throwing a Super Bowl party and we end up at a club with 1,000 others & it is sponsored by a radio station! #RolandsRules

When Beyonce begins & u start screaming like @lilduval at a Michael Jackson concert, you’ll be on @TVOneTV’s Find Our Missing #RolandsRules

Just bring up Beyonce singing at the inauguration one time. Go ahead and try it and see what happens! #RolandsRules

If you rented a 65-inch TV just for your Super Bowl party, and then ask me to help you with the rent, I’m unfollowing you. #RolandsRules

If you got an all-vegetarian spread for the Super Bowl party, I’m deleting you from my iPhone. Shame on you! #RolandsRules

If you show up at my Super Bowl party with a Dallas Cowboys jersey on, ya better make sure your dental insurance is paid! #RolandsRules

If your kids start playing double dutch in the living room while the game is on, I’m going Monique in Precious on ’em! #RolandsRules

Get your own food and drinks. Ain’t nobody here named Jeffrey, Benson, Hazel or Florence. Got it?! #RolandsRules

Today is about FOOTBALL. Don’t show me some soccer highlights on your Samsung Galaxy. This ain’t no @kingjames commercial #RolandsRules

If some of y’all start acting like the Real Housewives of Atlanta at my Super Bowl party, you’ll be Gone With The Wind! #RolandsRules

The ONLY @NFL gear allowed at my Super Bowl party: Ravens, San Francisco and @houstontexans. “Come again?” MY HOUSE. Got it? #RolandsRules

Bruh, if u show up to the SB party in your too tight high school letterman’s jacket, I’ll represent your wife in the divorce. #RolandsRules

Your always drunk cousin will officially begin rehab today. He gets no taste of the brown liquor or even a wine cooler! #RolandsRules

You are not John Madden. So don’t be running up to the TV trying to break down the instant replay. Sit down or get out! #RolandsRules

Bruh, I am not covering for you. If you told your woman you were coming to my party and didn’t show up, she should bust you! #RolandsRules

If I ask you to bring some extra cups and you come in with some Dixie mouthwash cups, I’m kicking you out for being cheap! #RolandsRules

If @GOPBlackChick invites you to a Super Bowl party and says she’s cooking, Ruuuuuunnnn! #RolandsRules #StruggleChicken