WASHINGTON WATCH HOLLYWOOD EDITION: Comedians Panel w/ Michael Colyar, Dominique & George Wallace (VIDEO)

The laughs just keep on coming on “Washington Watch.” Michael Colyar, Dominique and the man himself, George Wallace mix it up with Roland Maritn on the set of Washington Watch.

MR. MARTIN:  Hey, folks.  Welcome back


The laughs just keep on coming here on “Washington Watch.”  Joining me right now:  Michael Colyar, Dominique and the man himself, George Wallace.

MR. GEORGE WALLACE:  Good morning.


MR. WALLACE:  Good morning.

MR. MARTIN:  Welcome to “Washington Watch.”

DOMINIQUE:  Hi, Roland.  How are you?

MR. MARTIN:  I’m doin’ great.  So glad y’all [are] here.

DOMINIQUE:  Thank you for having us.

MR. MARTIN:  Lots of stuff in the news.  You name it, but let me first deal with it.  Fox News has decided they are not going to keep Sarah Palin.

MR. WALLACE:  Boy, that’s a good deal.  It’s about time –


MR. WALLACE:  — they do something smart.


MR. MICHAEL COLYAR:  We need comedy on Fox News.  We need her to be – what we gon’ laugh at?  We need her!

MR. WALLACE:  We do need her.

DOMINIQUE:  It’s about time for –

MR. COLYAR:  With her ignunt a[ss].

DOMINIQUE:  — somebody to give Fox News they hat an’ tell them “go home” anyway.

MR. MARTIN:  [Chuckles.]

DOMINIQUE:  You know how you tell people, “Leave the party.”

MR. WALLACE:  Yes.  Yes.

DOMINIQUE:  “You done had too much.  You need to go home.”

MR. MARTIN:  You just turn the lights on, and you say –

DOMINIQUE:  Oh, turn the lights on.

MR. MARTIN:  — “Last drink.”

DOMINIQUE:   It’s over, Roland.  Yeah, “Last drink.”  They finished.


MR. COLYAR:  I love Sarah Palin.

MR. MARTIN:  You love her?

MR. COLYAR:  I love her, man.  You gotta have somethin’ to laugh at.  That’s it.  And she’s just fabulous!  She gon’ say somethin’ ignunt.  You just give her fo’ – give her another minute.  Give her 30 more seconds, she gon’ say somethin’ ignunt.  You guaranteed that.

MR. MARTIN:  [Chuckles.]


MR. WALLACE:  I don’t know much about Sarah Palin, but I was in Dubai yesterday, and I went to the tallest building in the world, 160 stories tall.  And I could see her house from there.

MR. COLYAR:  Could you see her house from –


MR. WALLACE:  [Laughs.]

DOMINIQUE:  She don’t even know where she live.  I think she think she live out back of Russia – right?

MR. COLYAR:  Was it her house, or the Russian house?

MR. WALLACE:  I don’t know which one it was.



DOMINIQUE:  She don’t know where she live at.

MR. WALLACE:  She was shootin’ at a bear.


MR. MARTIN:  Well, now, I gotta ask you-all.  Of course, we just had the inauguration –

MR. COLYAR:  Yeah.



MR. MARTIN:  — second inauguration of President Obama.



MR. MARTIN:  That probably is – you will never, ever see again –

MR. WALLACE:  Hold on!

MR. MARTIN:  — in life –

MR. WALLACE:  Hold on!

MR. MARTIN:  — a larger collection of black people at one time.

MR. WALLACE:  Oh, that’s right.


MR. WALLACE:  That’s right, too.

MR. MARTIN:  There were more black folks there than at the Million Man March.

MR. COLYAR:  I loved how it fell where it fell.  You know, generally, the 20th is when you have the inauguration; but that happened to be a Sunday.  They had to slide it over to the 21st, which is the Martin Luther King –

MR. WALLACE:  Dr. King – [crosstalk].

MR. COLYAR:  — celebration.

DOMINIQUE:  Oh, that was excellent.

MR. COLYAR:  What are the odds of a black man bein’ in for two terms and doin’ it on –

MR. WALLACE:  There are no odds!

MR. COLYAR:  — Martin Luther King- —

MR. WALLACE:  There are no odds on that.

MR. COLYAR:  — wait!  It did happen once before.  They had it happen before with our first black president, Bill Clinton.

MR. WALLACE:  Bill Clinton.  That’s true, too.


MR. WALLACE:  But listen.  I was at the first inauguration, and I’ll tell you what.  I didn’t go  back this time, ’cause it was so cold.  I said I’m never goin’ back to D.C. again in my life.  That’s how cold it was.

MR. MARTIN:  I mean it wasn’t –

MR. WALLACE:  But this time, it was beautiful – wasn’t it?

MR. MARTIN:  — I’ll tell you what, though.  I was out there, and –

MR. COLYAR:  Me, too.

MR. MARTIN:  — I think if PETA had showed up at the inauguration, they would not have had enough paint to spray on all those mink coats, ’cause sisters broke out the furs.

MR. WALLACE:  I saw that!

DOMINIQUE:  That’s how you know the economy –


MR. COLYAR:  I brought mine.

DOMINIQUE:  — [is] gettin’ better.


MR. COLYAR:  I brought mine.

DOMINIQUE:  People had on their minks.  They lettin’ you know, “We got the President a second term.  We comin’ up!”

MR. MARTIN:  [Chuckles.]

MR. COLYAR:  Let me just say I brought my fur, but I want people to know that no beavers were killed for my coat.  All those beavers was found dead, lyin’ alongside the road.


MR. COLYAR:  It was more of a gatherin’ than a killin’.

MR. WALLACE:  Well, you need it for that cold weather, though.

MR. MARTIN:  But –

MR. WALLACE:  It was so cold in New York last week, the Statue of Liberty took that torch and put it under her dress.  That’s how –


MR. WALLACE:  — cold it was.

MR. MARTIN:  — but y’all do notice you’ve never heard [of] PETA throwin’ some paint on a black woman’s fur.


MR. WALLACE:  Never!  Ever!

DOMINIQUE:  Naw, and that’s not gon’ –


DOMINIQUE:  — ever happen.

MR. COLYAR:  Not as hard as we work for – [crosstalk].

MR. WALLACE:  You ever been to Chicago?  Ladies walkin’ down the street with those minks on all the time?  Just darin’ somebody.  Just darin’ somebody to throw some paint.

MR. COLYAR:  I was in New York, and I got threatened once, and the lady said, “I wish I had some ink right now.”

And I said, “Yeah, me, too.”


MR. COLYAR:  Ooh!  I wish I you had some ink right now.  As hard as I worked for this coat?

MR. MARTIN:  [Laughs.]

MR. COLYAR:  Whoo!  I wish you had some ink right now!

MR. WALLACE:  I bought a mink –

DOMINIQUE:  That’s not good –

MR. WALLACE:  — that I never wore – [crosstalk].

DOMINIQUE:  — to throw –

MR. WALLACE:  I never the mink.  Yeah.

DOMINIQUE:  — anything on people’s mink.


DOMINIQUE:  You don’t need to do that.

MR. COLYAR:  No, not – [crosstalk].

DOMINIQUE:  Yeah.  I mean you can have your beliefs.  That’s none of –

MR. WALLACE:  That’s not your business either.

DOMINIQUE:  — your business.  You have your beliefs, but you gon’ get yourself hurt throwin’ stuff on people’s mink.

MR. MARTIN:  Right – especially if they black.

DOMINIQUE:  Yeah, they not havin’ it.


MR. MARTIN:  Now, I’ve always wanted this.  I put together the comedy special for “Ebony” magazine a year ago, and I –

MR. COLYAR:  And I wasn’t in it.

MR. MARTIN:  — I inter- —

MR. COLYAR:  I’d like to point that out.  I wasn’t in it/

MR. MARTIN:  — I tried to get them to do it for a second year, but they wouldn’t.  I had you down for the second year.

MR. COLYAR:  If they come back.

MR. MARTIN:  I had your back.

MR. WALLACE:  You musta had me down for the second year, too.


DOMINIQUE:  [Crosstalk] – had me down at all.


DOMINIQUE:  — second year, before it got cut off.  [Crosstalk] –

MR. MARTIN:  Yeah.  You know, I tried to get the second year, but it didn’t get picked up – like a show.

MR. WALLACE:  We can do it again.  We can do it again.

MR. MARTIN:  So – so –

DOMINIQUE:  Go get your – [crosstalk].

MR. MARTIN:  — I interviewed all the radio comedians:  J. Anthony Brown, George’s good friend –

MR. WALLACE:  I don’t like him!

MR. MARTIN:  — nephew[?] Tommy –

MR. COLYAR:  Right.

MR. MARTIN:  — and I asked them this question.  I said, “who is the funniest person you know who’s not a comedian?”  And they had some – so, it could be anybody.  It could be somebody you worked with in the past.

Who’s the funniest person you know?  Not a comedian, but they just straight-up funny?

MR. WALLACE:  I got a cousin [who’s] just funny.  He talked about his daughter the other day.  His daughter said she’s a vegetarian –

MR. COLYAR:  Right?

MR. WALLACE:  — and she doesn’t eat meat.  She doesn’t do anything.  He said, “Well, I don’t know what you are – a vegetarian or what – but you weigh 214 pounds.  You eatin’ somethin’!”


MR. WALLACE:  And – [unintelligible] – don’t think it’s very funny, too.

DOMINIQUE:  It would have to be – it would have to be my mother.

MR. MARTIN:  Your momma’s funny?

DOMINIQUE:  Oh, my mother could cut up.  She not gon’ like me sayin’ that, but it’s the honest truth, and it’s a real answer.  She cut up on ya in a minute, Ro.

MR. MARTIN:  I mean just on anything.

MR. COLYAR:  I’d have to say my grandmomma.

DOMINIQUE:  On anything.

MR. WALLACE:  Your grandmomma?

MR. COLYAR:  My grandmomma, Lolabelle Wallace, 96 years old –

MR. WALLACE:  Hold on a second!

MR. COLYAR:  — Lolabelle.  The police pulled her over –

DOMINIQUE:  That’s your grandmomma?

MR. WALLACE:  You said Lolabelle Wallace?

MR. COLYAR:  — Lolabelle Wallace is –

MR. WALLACE:  That’s my grandmomma –

MR. COLYAR:  — my grandmomma’s –

MR. WALLACE:  — too!

MR. COLYAR:  — name.

MR. WALLACE:  I swear to God!


MR. COLYAR:  Yeah, different daddy.

MR. MARTIN:  [Laughs.]

DOMINIQUE:  [Crosstalk.]  I knew – [crosstalk] – I believe it!

MR. WALLACE:  You gone too far now!


MR. COLYAR:  Hold up, now.

MR. WALLACE:  [Crosstalk] – you gone too far.

MR. COLYAR:  They pulled my grandmomma over day befo’ yesterday – the police – and they noticed that she had a carrier’s permit for a pistol.  And they asked her – they said, “Well, ma’am, are you carrying any weapons in the car?”

And she said, “Yeah, in the glove compartment I got a .357.  In the arm well, I got a 9 millimeter.  In my purse, I got a .38.”

And the police said, “Well, ma’am, what are you afraid?”

She said, “Not a damn thang!”


MR. COLYAR:  “Not a damn thang.”

MR. WALLACE:  My funniest person might be my Uncle Bowen, ’cause you been – y’all from the country.  I got an Uncle Bowen [who] lives in Buckley[?].  Roland, you know Atlanta.

MR. MARTIN:  Yes, I do.

MR. WALLACE:  He’s rich, but he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

MR. COLYAR:  All right.

MR. WALLACE:  He will ask you a question and answer it at the same time.  You ever meet people like that?


MR. WALLACE:  Ask you a question and then answer it.  “How y’all get up here?  Walk?”


MR. WALLACE:  “Where ya daddy at?  Work?”

MR. MARTIN:  [Chuckles.]

MR. WALLACE:  “What time he get off?  Six o’clock?”  “Why it so hot in here?  Y’all got the heater on?”

Ask you a question and answer it at the same time.  Somethin’ wrong with that man.

DOMINIQUE:  Yeah, my mother was excited, like, you know, when the video jukebox was out.

MR. MARTIN:  Right.

DOMINIQUE:   You know, we all – we’d call video jukebox, and she’d call you right upstairs.  She’d say, “Who been lookin’ at the jukebox?”

“Not me.”

You know, my brother say, “Not me.”

She said, “Okay.  Well, I’mma tell you one thing.  The jukebox – [unintelligible] — slim Christmas right on out till y’all figure out what happened.”


MR. COLYAR:  Well, I got the dumb cousin, lil’ Pookie Johnson from – [unintelligible].

MR. WALLACE:  That’s your cousin?

MR. COLYAR:  Now, he went to school to get a education, but they didn’t teach him how to think.  He walked – wait.  He took three math degrees, finite math, geometry – everything.  Walkin’ to Seven-Eleven, got cheated outta a dollar eighteen cents, ’cause they didn’t teach him how to think.  He’s the one who gave up smokin’ cigarettes and said a cigarette ’ould never kill him, then walked down the street an’ got hit by a Cools truck.


MR. WALLACE:  Now, you shouldn’t bring family into this, because this is a true story.  And I’m gonna mention her name.  My niece Laurie Wallace –


MR. COLYAR:  Laurie – lil’ Laurie.

MR. WALLACE:  — just graduated from Harvard with 4-point-whatever – above.

MR. MARTIN:  Okay.

MR. WALLACE:  Went to Europe for three months.  She called back not too long ago.  There was a man who walked across Niagara Falls  Y’all remember that – right?

MR. MARTIN:  Okay.

MR. WALLACE:  On a tightrope.  You know what she asked us?

MR. COLYAR:  What?

MR. WALLACE:  “Was he black?”

MR. COLYAR:  Um-um!


MR. WALLACE:  Now, there’re certain things you can just count –

DOMINIQUE:  We don’t do!

MR. WALLACE:  — that black people just don’t do.

MR. COLYAR:  Never!

MR. WALLACE:  Two men – two men –

DOMINIQUE:  [Crosstalk.]

MR. WALLACE:  — frozen to death, climbin’ Mt. Everest.

DOMINIQUE:  That’s not gon’ happen.

MR. WALLACE:  Was they black?

MR. COLYAR:  [Crosstalk] –

MR. WALLACE:  Hell, no!  Hell, no.


MR. WALLACE:  Just – just stupid.  My niece, she’s smart, but she – common sense?  It ain’t there.

DOMINIQUE:  [Chuckles.]  A lotta people don’t have common sense.

MR. MARTIN:  But also, to that point, in terms of some things that we don’t do, I mean that’s absolutely true.  I was on television the other day with former Congresswoman Mary Bono Mack, and she hurt her arm snowboarding.  I said, “Land-based brutha.”

MR. WALLACE:  Right off the bat – right.

MR. MARTIN:  I said, “Land-based brutha.”  I said, “That’s not what we do.”

DOMINIQUE:  I don’t do none of that stuff.

MR. MARTIN:  No, no.  We – we not goin’ scuba diving.  We not – let the fishes do what they do.

MR. WALLACE:  We don’t do that!

MR. COLYAR:  We just went to the Grand Cayman Islands, and they got –

MR. WALLACE:  We ain’t goin’ campin’ either.

MR. COLYAR:  — into the water – into the ocean with – we got in the ocean with the stingrays and actually rubbed ’em and lifted ’em up and fed them.  And I got in.  At first, I jumped back out that water.  And then they let me put on a life vest.  So, here I am with a two-piece linen suit –

MR. MARTIN:  [Laughs.]

MR. COLYAR:  — and a life vest.  And the stingray just came up to me and said, “Is that linen?”


MR. COLYAR:  “Is that linen – [crosstalk]?”


MR. WALLACE:  You know what else —

MR. COLYAR:  [Crosstalk] – in that water.

MR. WALLACE:  — we don’t do, Michael?

MR. COLYAR:  We don’t get in that water.

MR. WALLACE:  We don’t go lookin’ for ghosts.  You know, white people got a bad habit of –

MR. COLYAR:  [Crosstalk] – no ghosts.

MR. WALLACE:  — lookin’ for ghosts.  I don’t know what it is.  There’s a TV show on now called “Ghost Adventures,” and –

DOMINIQUE:  “Paranormal”  — somethin’ “Paranormal.”

MR. WALLACE:  — and the dude is lookin’ through the house.  “Dude, did you hear that?”  “Did you see that?”  “Did you see that?”

“No.  We didn’t see nothin’.”

DOMINIQUE:  We don’t do it.

MR. WALLACE:  You didn’t see nothin’.  We got cameras on.  Ain’t nobody seen nothin’.  White people –

MR. MARTIN:  [Laughs.]

MR. WALLACE:  — always lookin’ for ghosts.  You don’t never see black people lookin’ for ghosts – [crosstalk].

DOMINIQUE:  High – like bungee jumpin’ an’ stuff.  I ain’t ’bout to bu- — you know, ’cause yo’ life precious.  What if the cord pop?  That’s the end of you – just jumpin’ in the air.  I’m just not –


DOMINIQUE:  — doin’ it!

MR. MARTIN:  But also, you know, we carry our money rolled up, you know, in a rubber band.  So –

DOMINIQUE:  I’m not doin’ it.

MR. WALLACE:  Oh, I got my money right here.


MR. MARTIN:  Well, we know how much you got.  We know that.

Look, we’re almost out of time.  I know you guys got some stuff comin’ up that you want to plug.  This is the official where you don’t even have to be ’shamed.  You can be – just a shameless plug.

MR. COLYAR:  Okay.

MR. MARTIN:  Michael, what you got?

MR. COLYAR:  I have a new documentary on my president called “A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the White House.  “I Knocked On the Door, And a Brutha Answered.”  [Holds up an obviously handmade book.]

Not even –


MR. COLYAR:  — now, it’s not just a documentary.  It’s also a children’s book.  Show you all the stuff Mr. Obama went through to get there.

DOMINIQUE:  All right!

MR. COLYAR:  One he got into office – look –

MR. WALLACE:  Look at that!

MR. COLYAR:  — they tried to tear the White House in half – [turns to an illustration of the White House in centerfold] –

MR. WALLACE:  That’s amazing!

MR. COLYAR:  — to keep that brutha from succeedin’.  But you see Mr. Obama on both sides, pushin’ it right back together.  Down in the corner –

MR. MARTIN:  [Laughs.]

MR. COLYAR:  — you see a little sign, say “COLLARD GREENS.”  Them are collard greens that Michelle grew.

MR. MARTIN:  [Laughs.]

MR. COLYAR:  And, anyway, it’s a wonderful thing.  And you can get it at my web page, or you can email me:  ComicKing123@aol.com.

MR. MARTIN:  And I’mma show you how much he’s a black comic.  Ain’t no CD case.  Just –


MR. COLYAR:  I’m makin’ them in the basement!


MR. MARTIN:  Dominique – [chuckles] – what ya got?

DOMINIQUE:  You can hear me on “Tom Joyner” Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

OFF CAMERA:  Oh, she has a real job.

DOMINIQUE:  Yeah!  You gotta have a job out here!

MR. COLYAR:  Okay.  All right.

DOMINIQUE:  And you can also – I’m going to be on tour this year.  I’m comin’ to a city near you.  You can follow me on Twitter @dominiquecomedi.

MR. MARTIN:  All right.


MR. WALLACE:  You know I am the new Mr. Vegas.  I am always at the fabulous Flamingo, 10 p.m. – the best 10 p.m. show in the city.  I’ve also made history.  I’ve played, as a black man, longer than any black entertainer – ever – on the strip of Las Vegas.

MR. MARTIN:  Ain’t that somethin’?

MR. WALLACE:  That includes – it’s amazing.  So, you can catch me on – also tweet me @MrGeorgeWallace.  I’m there.

But I’ll tell you what.  We broke history.  I played longer than Redd Foxx; Sammy Davis, Jr.; Lena Horn – all of them.  I’m blessed.

MR. MARTIN:  Ain’t that somethin’?

DOMINIQUE:  That’s right.


MR. MARTIN:  From Liberace to George Wallace.

MR. COLYAR:  That’s right.