Roland’s Rules: Essence Fest 2014

Let me go ahead & say this right now: @essencefest is two weeks away and no, I DO NOT have extra tickets. Don’t ask me again! #rolandsrules

I am not in the concierge business. So don’t ask me about securing you a hotel room for @essencefest. #rolandsrules

If you’re not an @essencefest VIP, don’t bug me about getting into the VIP area. I got two bands: one for me & @Jhoodmartin #rolandsrules

Yes I partied at Prince’s @3RDEYEGIRL house. He’s cool. But I don’t KNOW Prince. So I won’t hook up an @essencefest meet/greet #rolandsrules

I do know @LionelRichie, he’s frat, but if I don’t know YOU, don’t ask me about meeting him. I’m not playing! @essencefest #rolandsrules

Bruhs, stop asking me if @soledadobrien is married. She is. @kimbondy isn’t, but you better have excellent credit @essencefest #rolandsrules

If you are laying out your @essencefest clothes right now, do know it’s a family affair. We ain’t trying to see ALL of you! #rolandsrules

If you cheated on your woman at @essencefest & she locked you out of the room, don’t make all that hallway noise! U messed up! #rolandsrules

Ladies, when @maryjblige hits the @essencefest stage & u can’t hold a note, lip synch. Mary won’t mind or the person next 2 u! #rolandsrules

1st time ladies at @essencefest: Damn the cute pocket purse. That lil sucker can’t hold flats. TRUST ME. Carry the big purse. #rolandsrules

1st time bruhs at @essencefest: You fly, fine. But you better carry a sweat rag. Not the white handkerchief. A TOWEL. Trust me #rolandsrules

If ya @essencefest ticket does not say FLOOR, don’t even try it. SuperDome cats have heard it all. Stop holding up the line. #rolandsrules

To ALL @essencefest attendees: TIP! Hotels, restaurants, cabs, you name it. These folks providing a service. TIP! TIP! TIP! #rolandsrules

If you are not prepared for that extra baggage fee at the airport, don’t be buying a ton of stuff. You can’t afford shipping! #rolandsrules

The MOST IMPORTANT #rolandsrules for @essencefest: Read your damn camera/phone manual! The 3-second rule will be in place. Snap, move, snap.

Seriously, learn how to turn the flash on; the front camera button. I will embarrass you at @essencefest with camera drama! #rolandsrules

If sumthin is wrong w/the photo, it ain’t me. I don’t take bad photos. It’s u, the camera or the person taking it @essencefest #rolandsrules

Ladies, cut out that “take it long ways” crap. Get what you get. This ain’t a photo shoot! @essencefest #rolandsrules

Bruhs, stop saying, “Man, my girl or my mama loves you” YOU like how I roll. Just own up to it & get the photo! @essencefest #rolandsrules

Look, it’s New Orleans in July. @essencefest is this time EVERY YEAR. Stop complaining about the heat! Go hard or go home! #rolandsrules

There is no team unity at @essencefest. If you got 5 girls & one didn’t buy her ticket, leave her @ the hotel room. Her fault! #rolandsrules

Get a real camera. Stop taking photos with tablets. It’s the size of a book! You can’t even hold it up! @essencefest #rolandsrules

Last #rolandsrules for @essencefest: Do an ash check five times a day. Check the ankles, knees & elbows. Keep a bottle of lotion with you!

This has been a public service from Uncle Ro Ro. Follow my #rolandsrules for @essencefest & all will be well. If not, u gone learn that day! 

Why wear white or cream linen suits to @essencefest? Easier for cameraman to put you on the big screen than wearing black! LOL #rolandsrules

Fellas, if you rock these at @essencefest, get a pedicure. Cracked, ashy heels turn women off #rolandsrules

If your best photo for your avi is you in a t-shirt, your fashion advice for @essencefest is not desired. Ever. #rolandsrules

If you roll up to @essencefest in the white linen fellas, please, do NOT wear the black church shoes & socks. Seriously. #rolandsrules

New #rolandsrules for @essencefest: If your wife picks out YOUR clothes, you can’t say jack about what someone else has on.

If your idea of dressing up for @essencefest is putting on a shirt over your wife beater, stay silent about someone else #rolandsrules

NEW @essencefest plane #rolandsrules: stop making your man carry these big ass bags on the plane. It won’t fit in the bin. Check it!

Another @essencefest #rolandsrules: ladies & gents, ain’t nothing cute about your gut. Flat stomach? Yes. Gut? No. Cover. It. Up. Now.

Another @essencefest plane #rolandsrules: You got some Beats headphones. Cool. But put ’em on ya damn ears! We don’t wanna hear that mess.

Another @essencefest plane #rolandsrules: don’t ask the flight attendant with the drink cart for ice by saying, “brought my own liquor.”

NOTE: Roland’s Rules: Don’t Act A Fool At My House Or You’ll Get Cut! will be published January 2015!